Before Ryan Was Mine (The Remembrance Trilogy - Prequel) Read online

  “I’m almost done.”

  Five minutes later she was setting a bowl of steamy white soup in front of me on the coffee table along with a slice of buttered bread. She disappeared briefly, to return with a second bowl.

  I’d grabbed two beers when we first arrived, so I cracked the second open and scooted it in front of her. “There’s a skit coming up with JT and Fallon.”

  Julia settled onto the couch next to me. I picked up the spoon to taste the soup. It was surprisingly delicious. I looked at her, amazed that she could take an empty refrigerator and come up with this. She was concentrating on the TV and not really interested in her soup.

  “Julia, this is really good.”

  “It would be better if you actually had food,” she mocked. “Lucky I found part of an onion and a bit of butter or it would taste like crap, for sure.”

  “How’d you get it so creamy? My mom’s potato soup is runny, almost like it’s just hot, white water. It tastes like ass.”

  Julia laughed. “I made extra potatoes and mushed them up.”

  I really didn’t care how she did it. I was too busy wolfing it down. “I didn’t think I liked soup.”

  She smiled softly and leaned back on the couch, bringing her legs up and curling them beneath her.

  When the episode came back on, it was a skit where Jimmy Fallon was Nick Lachey and Justin Timberlake played Jessica Simpson as a blonde ditz. It was funny as fuck. Soon, we were both laughing so hard I almost snorted soup out my nose, and Julia’s head fell back and she held her stomach as wave after wave of laughter peeled out of her.

  As much as I’d dreaded this night, it was turning out great. For the next hour, we watched the rest of the show, and I finished the rest of Julia’s soup. My beer was gone, but she still had half of one, and she pushed it toward me after noticing I’d finished.

  It was comfortable and natural. If I’d finished any other chick’s beer, she’d probably twist it into a commitment of some kind when really, all it meant was I was thirsty. The thing was, with Jules, I wasn’t certain what this was, exactly. Maybe I’d be okay if she assumed I was interested in her romantically, but Julia would never do that. I sighed as my thoughts smacked me upside my head. I was distracted, getting tired, or maybe the later skits weren’t as funny, but we fell into a comfortable silence.

  When the show was over and the soup gone, Julia yawned. “I should go clean up the kitchen.”

  I was flipping through the HD channels looking for a movie. “Nah. Leave it. I can clean it up in the morning.”

  She yawned again. “I’m really tired, Ryan. I should get going.”

  I got up, went to the window, and opened the blinds. It was snowing moderately, leaving a rare white blanket over the streets. “It’s snowing.” I glanced back at her, and she was half-lying down on the couch, cuddled up into a ball, her eyes closed. She looked so soft and alluring; my heart flopped around inside my chest. The feeling was uncomfortable and foreign. Literally, it skipped a beat, and I pressed on the wall of my chest with my hand in an unconscious effort to assuage it. “Why don’t you stay here? I’ll take the couch, and you can have my bed.”

  Her eyes opened halfway then closed again. “I don’t want to take your bed,” she murmured sleepily.

  I glanced at the clock. It was almost 2 AM, and Aaron wasn’t home, so he was surely cohabitating with Jenna in her dorm for the night, which meant all the sappy V-day shit worked for him.

  “Julia, please. You’ll be doing me a favor. I won’t have to drive in the storm. It’s cold out and neither one of us needs to go out in that.”

  “Okay, but can I just stay here on the couch? I’m so sleepy.” Her eyes were closed and I could tell from her voice she was more than halfway gone.

  I went into my room, peeled the comforter off my bed, and took it back to the living room. When I put it over her, she snuggled down in a similar way she had when she’d been sick a few months back. Now, like then, all I wanted to do was take her in my arms and hold her, to snuggle up next to her and feel her soft warmth against me.

  Snuggling? Seriously? If anyone suggested that to me before, I would have beaten the living shit out of them or laughed in their face.

  “Mmm….” Julia murmured and pulled the blanket closer around her. The sound went straight to my dick. Good thing her eyes were closed, I thought as I pulled on the crotch of my jeans. Jeans were not made for getting boners and it downright hurt. I undid my belt and pulled it from the waistband, then unbuttoned my pants so it would be less restricting.

  I sighed as I looked down at her, my groin throbbing painfully. The TV was still on and was the only light in the room. It cast bluish-gray shadows on the stunning features of her face. I loved just watching her. Her eyelashes were ridiculous, fanning out on the smooth surface of her cheeks. She was gorgeous. I doubted I’d ever think another woman was this beautiful.

  I picked up the remote and turned the volume down. Probably, because I know how cool she is, I reasoned. I sighed and meandered back to my room, to grab sweats and a T-shirt from my dresser, then headed back to the bathroom for a quick, and decidedly cold, shower. “Yeah. It’s not her perfect body at all. Nope. Not a bit. Keep telling yourself that, Matthews,” I said softly as I turned on the spray. I peeled off my clothes and left them in a heap. “Maybe you’ll convince yourself.”

  As I stepped under the spray, I had to ask myself if I wanted to keep torturing myself like this. The way I saw it, I had three options. One: keep getting a case of blue balls that required I beat off in the shower and dating various women who never seemed to measure up; two: give in and try to take it to a romantic place with Julia and risk fucking our friendship; or three: stop spending so much time with her so the friendship was bearable.

  I closed my eyes and soaped up my body. I sighed, deep in my chest, leaning a bent arm on the side of the shower stall. The problem was, I didn’t want to risk the friendship, but neither did I want to stop spending time with her. She made me happy, and when I was pissed or upset, she was the first person I wanted to talk to.

  Somehow, I’d have to get the libido under control. Aaron, and any other guy I knew would just think about fucking her, but it wasn’t so easy for me. Julia was important to my life, even as a friend. I didn’t want to lose that.

  Why did I have to think so goddamned much? It was the middle of the night and I was standing in the shower arguing with myself about whether I should try to get into my best friend’s panties. I mean, what the fuck? Really, I had to get a handle on it. I had shit to do here, and while I cared about this girl, I couldn’t lose focus. I had to keep my eye on the ball, and that ball was medical school. After this year it would get messier—harder classes, more labs, MCATS, less time for partying. There were a million assholes, just like me, competing to land a slot at Harvard Med, and I had to remember that.

  No. I’d have to cool it with Julia. As much as I hated the realization, distance was the only way I was going to keep my head on straight. Maybe I’d see her just on Sundays. It would hurt her if I stopped seeing her altogether. And, I’d miss her.

  I’d finished shampooing my hair and was rinsing it out when I got a sick feeling inside, mainly because we were great friends, and Julia was the last person on earth I wanted to hurt. My mind began racing with the question: should I tell her what I was doing or just distance myself? That was the typical “guy” thing to do. I’d done it many times. A girl got too clingy or needy and I’d just stop calling. I’d always found those situations uncomfortable to deal with, except Julia wasn’t like one of those girls. She was just awesome, and the reason I couldn’t see her had more to do with me than it did her.

  I pushed back the shower curtain and grabbed a towel, briskly rubbing myself down. My dick was now blissfully relaxed, but my gut strangely aching. I pulled on the sweats and T-shirt, and draped the damp towel around my neck, using it to rub the water from my hair with one hand as I walked back down the dimly lit hall toward where Julia lay on
the couch, now fully asleep.

  I stood there and looked at her for a good sixty seconds. Yes, tomorrow at coffee I’d talk to her. I threw the towel across the back of the couch then bent, sliding one arm under her knees. I was about to lift her into my arms and carry into my room when her eyes fluttered open.

  “Ryan?” She lifted her head a little at being disturbed. “What’s the matter?”

  I shook my head and stood up with her in my arms. “Nothing. It’s late and I’m putting you in my bed. Don’t wake up.”

  Her body was slight, and I lifted her easily, still wrapped in my comforter. She was warm and soft as she snuggled into me. I wasn’t sure if she even knew she was doing it. The beer would have made her sleep harder than usual. Julia rarely drank beer, though she only had a little it might affect her.

  “You don’t need to do that. I’m fine here.” Sleep filled her voice and her head lolled on my shoulder. I made short work of the walk to my room and kicked open the bedroom door, being careful not to hit her head or feet on the frame as I angled through it, letting the glow from the television in the other room be the only light.

  When I laid her down, she rolled onto her side and pulled the covers closer around her.

  “Night, Jules. See you in the morning.” I reached out, touched her hair then let the back of my knuckles graze her cheek. This would be even harder than I thought.

  ~5~

  Up Close & Personal

  I woke up a little disoriented. I sat up and blinked, glancing around then down at myself. I was in Ryan’s room still fully clothed in the jeans and sweater I’d worn the night before when Ryan and I had gone to the movie. I put both hands to my head, and threaded my fingers through my hair. It was a snarled mess in the back.

  “Ugh,” I moaned as I tried to pull through the tangles with my fingers, to no avail. I didn’t have any of my stuff, and I was sure my make-up was either smeared or completely worn off. I probably looked like total shit.

  I pushed back the covers and climbed out of Ryan’s bed. I couldn’t help but wonder how many girls had spent the night in this bed. But with him. I shuddered as jealousy shot through me. Maybe there was something wrong with me. He didn’t seem to have issues with girls. And even though I’d joked the night before, I caught him looking at me many times, and I could swear he was pissed by my “almost” date with Bryan. The mixed signals were confusing.

  When I padded down the hall, I found Ryan on the couch, one arm thrown over his face and his feet dangling off one end. He looked uncomfortable, yet he was fast asleep, his strong jaw darkened by the shadow of stubble.

  I didn’t have a ride, but I didn’t want to wake up Ryan. “Shit!” I whispered to myself. My coat and purse were on a hook by the door, and my boots were under the coffee table. I could see through the kitchen window that it had stopped snowing, but it was still overcast. Who knew how much snow had fallen, and I’d have to deal with that. Ryan and Aaron’s apartment was within a mile of campus, but my dorm was on the opposite end. I wasn’t looking forward to walking that far in the cold.

  Ryan wasn’t moving. It had been late when I’d fallen asleep and I flushed, remembering how he’d lifted me and carried me to his room. Too bad I was so out of it. It would have been nice to enjoy it more.

  I sat down in the chair, crouching down to grab my boots and shove my feet inside. There was nothing else I could do if I didn’t want to wake Ryan up or sit there and watch him sleep. I had no choice but to walk. I quietly shrugged into my coat, put my scarf around my face and neck, and took my purse and carefully unlocked Ryan’s doors. When the chain lock clanked a little, I grimaced and glanced in Ryan’s direction. He was out cold. I’d text him later.

  I didn’t have gloves, so I shoved my hands into the deep pockets of the new wool coat Ryan’s parents had given me for Christmas, but the icy wind hit me in the face like a million tiny needles. This was the coldest it had been this winter. I was used to Northern California, but the climate was usually more moderate then this freak snowstorm. I couldn’t remember one ever being this bad. Ryan shrugged off the temperature here, used to the extreme highs and lows of the Midwest. I’d been shocked at the frigid temperatures in Chicago, and this wasn’t close to that, but it was way below the norm.

  My boots were more a fashion statement, but I was thankful I had them when I stepped onto the sidewalk. The snow was maybe six inches deep and my feet sank down to my ankles, walking would be impossible without them.

  I had my head down against the wind as I walked, the wind whipping the snow around me as I hurried along.

  “Julia?” Aaron’s voice called from the street. I stopped and looked up to find him in a beat-up, beige Toyota Corolla that I didn’t recognize. His window was rolled halfway down. “Is that you?”

  “Ye-yes,” I stuttered, my teeth now in a full chatter and my body shaking with shivers.

  “Are you coming from our place?” When I nodded, he continued. “Want a ride home?”

  I thought he’d never ask. Rather than answer I hurried around the front of his car and hopped into the passenger seat. “Thanks. Holy cow, it’s cold!”

  Aaron smiled as he pulled into the first driveway so he could turn around and head back in the direction he’d just come. “Nah. This is balmy.”

  I smiled as I huddled in my seat. Thankfully, he reached forward and pushed the heater on full blast.

  “Thanks for stopping.”

  “You and Ryan have a late night?” he asked suggestively.

  “We went to see a movie then just hung out. Did you get a new, old car?” I teased, wanting to get the focus off of Ryan and me.

  “No. This is Jenna’s.”

  “I know Jenna, but I didn’t know she even drove anywhere. She lives in my dorm. On my floor, to be precise.”

  “Yes, I know.” He grinned. Clearly, he’d just spent the night there.

  “So, you’re going to get kicked out of Stanford?” I asked. Cohabitation on campus property is against school rules. “How’d you get out of there? Guys aren’t allowed on our floor until noon.”

  “Jenna snuck me down the stairwell.”

  “So are you guys an item now? I like her. She’s a smartass.”

  “She is. I’m not sure yet, but I do like her a lot.”

  “I’m glad.” I smiled softly. “She’s in some classes with Ellie, and we have a mutual disdain for this obnoxious woman on our floor who sings opera in the showers.”

  “Maybe we can double date sometime.”

  I flushed at the implication. Ryan and I with him and Jenna? “Um… double date?”

  “Yes. One of my fraternity brothers is always hounding me to introduce you two.”

  My heart fell. Of course, he didn’t mean me and Ryan and I quickly hid my disappointment. “Really?”

  “Yes. He’s been after me since rush. Ryan doesn’t like him, but he’s a good guy. I’m a dude, so I can’t say he’s hot or anything, but girls seem to like him.” Aaron chuckled.

  He pulled up on the driveway that went directly in front of my dorm entrance from the street. Suddenly, the car felt like a matchbox, and I needed to make a hasty retreat. I ditched a date the night before to be with Ryan, but given the weird status of our relationship, I wasn’t sure what was going on. “Um, okay. Text me the details? You can get my number from Ryan.” My hand closed around the door handle, I pulled it, and pushed open the door. “Thanks for the ride.”

  I hopped out and was soon in the lobby of my dorm, waiting for the elevator. A dark haired girl I recognized from my literature class gave me the once over. “Was that Ryan Matthews’ brother?” I wanted to huff. Badly. True, Ryan was also in that lit class, but was there one woman on the fucking campus who didn’t know him by name?

  “Yes,” I answered shortly, bowing my head a little and playing with one side of my hair. I pulled it down with my fingers, hoping if she couldn’t see my eyes, she’d stop probing about Ryan.

  “So, are you guys a thing?”
>
  “We’re friends,” I admitted with an uncomfortable flush rushing to my cheeks.

  “If you’re not dating, can you hook me up? He makes me all fluttery.”

  How gratifying for you, my brain shouted. I wanted to gag. I stopped pulling on my hair as my head snapped up, and I glared at her. “Ryan doesn’t need me to arrange his dates. If he wants to date you, I promise, he’ll ask.”

  “Do you think he does?” she asked hopefully. Oh, my God! She was dense. “I mean, really?” Her eyes were wide and beseeching.

  I shrugged. The elevator finally arrived and I charged in front of her, hoping to hell she wasn’t going up as far as me. I pressed the ninth floor and she pressed the eleventh. Crap.

  “Well?”

  “Sorry, not my day to babysit his schedule.”

  Her lips turned into a pout. Her skin was almost as white as a sheet and her lips painted an obnoxious shade of red. At least on a nineteen year-old girl it seemed obnoxious.

  “Geez, Julia. He’s so cute, and the Sadie Hawkins dance is coming up.”

  I felt fairly certain Ryan wasn’t the Sadie Hawkins type. Hell, I wasn’t the Sadie Hawkins type. My eyes trained on the lighted numbers above my head as the elevator climbed, silently willing it to get there already. “It is?” I asked blankly.

  “Yes. Can’t you help a girl out?”

  The doors opened, and I stepped through then turned back to her, holding the door open with one hand. “I don’t tell him who to ask out. Ryan’s cool, but it would be weird if I tried to set him up.” If it wasn’t weird for Ryan, it definitely was for me.

  She frowned at my words. Clearly, that wasn’t the answer she wanted to hear. “Would it kill you to drop a little hint?”

  “Probably, yeah.” I took my hand away and let the doors close in her face.

  I was feeling waspish. I was hot, my coat an annoyance, and I whipped the scarf off from around my neck on the way to my room. I pulled the key out of my pocket and shoved it in the door. Once inside the small space, the coat, scarf, and my boots were quickly discarded and shoved, unceremoniously, into the closet. Ellie was sitting on her bed doing something on her laptop when I threw myself face down on mine. Maybe I was feeling bitchy because I hadn’t gotten that much sleep.