Before Ryan Was Mine (The Remembrance Trilogy - Prequel) Read online

  I walked the rest of the way into Ryan’s room and closed the door behind me. It smelled like him; a mixture of cologne and just him. It was nice. I sank down on his bed, inhaling deeply. Looking around, it was clear he was a serious musician, and his intelligence was on the verge of brilliance. There were a few classic novels and a very old copy of Gray’s Anatomy, his keyboard, some concert tickets pinned to a bulletin board and loads of CDs. He had a stereo, not just an iPod dock like a lot of people.

  “Julia? Did you call?” Ryan called from down the hall and I fumbled around almost dropping the phone in my haste to get it started.

  Crap.

  Bryan answered the phone on the first ring.

  “Hi!” His voice was exuberant and I cringed because of what I was about to say. Should I lie? I couldn’t be honest without sounding like a bitch or idiot.

  “Hi. Listen, I know it’s short notice.” I shifted on the bed and Ryan pushed the door open a smidge and peeked in. I flushed. “I’m not feeling great. I think I’m coming down with the flu.”

  Ryan threw himself down on the bed, lying down behind me. I could feel his eyes boring into me, though my back was turned, and the back of my ears started to burn, realizing he was listening to the call.

  “Really? You sound fine.”

  “Ye-yah,” I stammered. “It’s not a cold. It’s the stomach flu.”

  “Shit. I’m sorry.”

  “Yes, me, too.”

  “Can we reschedule?”

  “Sure. I’d like that. I’m really sorry.”

  “Okay. I’ll call you in a couple of days?” Bryan asked.

  “Sure. Sounds good.”

  “So do you need me to bring you anything? I can come over.”

  Ryan was quiet but shifted on the bed, and I felt it move beneath his weight.

  “No, I’m… I mean, I don’t want you to see this.”

  “Okay.”

  “I’m sorry about the short notice. I hope you can find someone to spend the evening with.”

  “I’m not sure. My roommate is having a party at our house. It’s probably because he doesn’t have a date.”

  I smiled, my head bent, and I pulled a stray tendril behind my ear. “Probably.”

  “If you feel better, call me and I’ll come get you.”

  “Sure. Thanks.” I said the words, knowing I wouldn’t. I felt bad. Bryan seemed nice, which was a huge contradiction to Ryan’s description of him, and he was good looking. Any number of girls would love to spend time with him. “Have a good night.”

  “You, too. I hope you feel better.”

  “Thank you. Bye.”

  “Bye.”

  I ended the call and did a half-twist to look at Ryan, to find his intense blue eyes trained on my face. “What?” I asked. He was relaxed but staring at me. His face could stop my breath.

  “Did he take it okay?”

  I half-shrugged. “I guess. What’s he going to say?”

  He sat up and pressed a hand to his chest with a grin. “Julia, you can puke on me any day.” He was mocking Bryan.

  “Hey, I feel sorry for the guy. I shouldn’t have lied.”

  “So why did you?” Ryan scooted around me and I could almost feel the heat radiating between us as he got up from the bed and walked to his closet, peering inside and starting to push through a few of his button-downs.

  “Because, I like him. I want to see him again.”

  He stopped and looked at me, a frown dropping his brows. “Look, Julia, if you want to go with him, you should go.”

  “Shut up, Ryan.” I put a hand to my forehead. “It’s done.”

  He pulled a shirt from his closet. It was a light aquamarine with a fine vertical stripe running through it, and he threw it on the bed, hanger and all, before pulling his T-shirt over his head and tossing it on the floor.

  My eyes widened. I couldn’t help but stare. The muscles on his chest, abs, and arms were defined and solid. Not huge, but definitely powerful. His jeans were low on his hips, leaving the V and happy trail visible. I could see the top of his underwear. I swallowed. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen men dressed this way, and I’d seen hundreds of guys wearing their pants loose enough to show part of their underwear. Some, their entire ass showed at times, but this was Ryan. I felt the skin of my face and on the back of my neck infuse with heat and I turned away, discretely. It was a waste of effort as he moved around the room and back into my sightline.

  He acted like I wasn’t even in the room, as he grabbed deodorant and used it, before removing the shirt from the hanger and shrugging it onto his broad shoulders. I tried not to look at the way the muscles of his back moved.

  “Good. Where do you want to go? Better make sure your boyfriend doesn’t show or we’re busted.”

  I tried to tear my gaze away from all that bare skin. I knew my mouth was hanging open and at the sound of his voice, I looked down quickly. “Um, doesn’t matter.” We could go to a movie so I could be closer to him, lean into him, close my eyes and breathe him in and he wouldn’t know. We could go out for dinner, and we could talk for hours. We could go to the arcade we liked, spend the night playing games and laughing. We could stay here, I could make Pad Thai, rent a movie, and make popcorn. I truly didn’t care.

  Any of it would be fine, as long as it was with Ryan. I rubbed my cheek quickly, hoping the heat would diffuse and I wouldn’t turn red at the train of my thoughts.

  He ran a comb through his unruly mop of hair, without a mirror. He tossed the comb on his desk, and it landed with a clatter before he turned to look at me and began to button his shirt. I was still feeling embarrassed at my feelings and found it hard to look at him. He was standing beside the bed and I was sitting on the end, trembling like a leaf.

  “Jules. Seriously. Whatever you want to do is fine with me.”

  I couldn’t let him see my discomfort, so I clasped my hands in my lap and smiled up at him. “Okay, how about a drive-through and movie? Let’s go somewhere dark.”

  His eyebrow rose, and he bent to gather a pair of black dress shoes from the bottom of his closet and shoved his feet into them. He was wearing jeans, but they were made of dark denim and new, and they looked great with his shirt. He looked hot.

  “Really? Want to take advantage of me?” he teased with a smile. “Is that it?”

  If only he knew. The truth was, my feelings were too close to the surface and I wasn’t sure I could hide them if he was looking right at me all night.

  “Yeah, sure. Like I could,” I said sarcastically.

  “You could.” He almost sounded serious.

  My heart stopped then started hammering against my ribs. How should I answer that? How could I answer? I’d look like an idiot if I called him on it and he was kidding. “Me and half the planet.”

  “Whatever, Abbott.” Ryan dismissed my comment, and though he’d been cocky earlier about the opposite sex, now I sensed he was pissed. “You ready?” He grabbed his leather jacket in his right hand and waited for me to precede him out of the room.

  I wondered how he’d react if I pranced around in front of him half-dressed. Probably as cool as a cucumber, that’s how. He had naked women around a lot, and I hadn’t even been with a guy once. It was humiliating in a way. He waited while I put my coat on then followed me out of his apartment and the old house it was in.

  As we walked to Ryan’s car, I glanced at his face. He wasn’t talking and I didn’t want him upset or mad at me. Maybe I should come up with some sort of reason, even if it wasn’t the truth.

  “The truth is, it’s less likely Bryan will see us out at a movie. His roommate is having a party, and he’ll probably be there, but who knows? I just don’t want to run into him and have to explain.”

  “Fuck him,” Ryan muttered as he unlocked my door and held it open for me. I had to pass him.

  “Ryan, come on,” I reasoned as I climbed into his SUV. It was an older model Honda CRV, but he kept it clean and nice. “You’d be pissed if a g
irl canceled on you then you saw her out with another guy.”

  He shut my door and walked around the front end. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. His jaw was pushed out and his expression tight.

  “Right?” I pulled my knees up and turned in my seat toward him.

  “Buckle your seat belt,” was all he said as he pulled his down around him and clicked it into place. I hadn’t buckled mine, and he glared at me until I secured it around me.

  “What’s your problem? Did you get your period?”

  “Ha ha,” he said flatly.

  “Seriously, Ryan. Why are you in such a pissy mood?” My mouth curled up in amusement. If I didn’t know better, I’d say he was jealous. The thought sent a thrill all the way down to my toes.

  “If you care so much about that prick, then you should have gone out with him.”

  “I didn’t say that. I said I didn’t need to be a bitch and hurt his feelings. It’s bad enough I lied about it.”

  He revved the engine, peeled away from the curb, and made a jerky right turn in the direction of campus.

  I sat back in my seat and looked out the window, my mind racing with this change in him. When I glanced at him, the muscle in his jaw was working overtime. What the fuck?

  “Ryan—” I began incredulously, shaking my head. “Why are you mad at me? I thought we were going to have fun tonight. Don’t make me regret that I changed my plans.”

  His fingers were tight around the steering wheel and he visibly relaxed, his grip loosening. He pulled in a deep sigh and let it out with equal strength. So deep I could hear it, not just see the rise and fall of his chest.

  “Sorry.”

  “It’s okay. I just don’t get it.”

  He parked in the lot next to my dorm and shut off the car. It was cold out and February snow dusted the ground outside the car. It wouldn’t be long and the heat from our breath would be steaming up the windows. “I don’t want to feel like I’m keeping you if you’d rather be on your date.”

  “I don’t.” I shook my head, my eyes imploring him. This was the first time Ryan had been angry with me, and it didn’t sit well. I wanted to ask him to explain but wasn’t sure even he knew. It was better just to move beyond it and get back to our evening. “Do you want to wait out here or come in?”

  “I can’t wait in your room if you’re changing your clothes.” His voice was quiet and resigned. I studied his profile, wanting desperately for happy Ryan to return.

  “You can come up. I can change in the bathroom, or you can turn around or keep your eyes closed. I’m sure Ellie is already out.”

  Ryan looked at me with apologetic blue eyes, his expression gentle. “Sure?”

  I nodded. I wanted so badly to touch him and I couldn’t help it. My hand reached out and wrapped around his forearm. He wasn’t wearing his coat and the sleeves of his shirt were rolled up to expose the hard flesh and smooth skin. My fingers couldn’t reach completely around it, but the connection stunned me as always. “Yes.” I nodded toward the building.

  He stared at me for a good minute, looking as if he wanted to say something but couldn’t. I didn’t want it to get awkward. The way we were together, ninety-nine percent of the time; that’s the way I wanted it. “I can wait in the lobby.”

  “Pfft! Come on, Dr. Jekyll, but leave Mr. Hyde here, okay?”

  A slow smile slid across his handsome face. “Okay, Jules, I’m—”

  I put a hand up to stop him. “Nope! One sorry is enough. Aren’t you cold? Get your coat on.”

  He pulled it from the back seat where he’d tossed it and pushed his arms into the sleeves. In less than a minute, he was around to the passenger side and hauling me up into a piggyback ride.

  “Hey! People will stare at us, Ryan,” I protested, even as I was thrilled at the prospect and gave a little hop to assist the process.

  Ryan ignored me. It wasn’t long before my arms were wrapped around his shoulders, his arms hooked under my knees, and he was walking across the street from the parking lot and onto the Stanford campus toward my dorm “Screw them.”

  I smiled, my face pressed into the curve of his neck. He smelled nice. It felt good being this close to him and I prayed he couldn’t feel my heart hammering against this back. I’d be the envy of every woman who saw this then subjected to a bevy of questions if we ran into anyone I knew inside the lobby.

  “Okay, but you have to let me down when we get close to my building.”

  “Why?” he asked and kept on walking, taking my weight easily.

  “I don’t want my eyes scratched out. I need them.” To look at you, I added silently, but he only chuckled.

  I held on to Ryan—and my heart—for dear life.

  I studied Julia all through dinner, wondering what it was about her that had me so tied up. It felt easy with her. The more time we were together, the easier—and harder—it got. I could look at her for hours and never get tired of it. Watching her talk, she was animated, enthralling, and funny. And, she was beautiful. Many times, I found myself breathless or struggling for words. That never happened to me before.

  I enjoyed the time with her more than any other woman I’d ever met, and I was hornier than hell. If I went out and screwed someone, it was only because I was in physical pain. I felt sleazy doing it, but besides beating off in the shower three times a day, or throwing Julia down on sight, it was necessary. The only other solution was not to see her as much and that wasn’t happening. Being close to her, smelling her perfume or shampoo, it was bad. Like now.

  Thank God, the movie was almost over because it was all I could do not to reach over and take her hand. I had to settle for our shoulders touching on occasion as we both leaned into each other. I sighed and glanced to my right. Julia wasn’t looking at me, her profile open to my scrutiny, even in the dark. I loved the curve of her face; her small, perfect nose and how she bit her lower lip in concentration, watching the scene up on the screen. She grabbed her soda and brought it to her mouth without taking her eyes off of the movie. It was the end of the second Spiderman movie, and though I’d wanted to see it for a few months, we’d never gotten around to it. It was playing at a discount theater we often frequented. College students are poor bastards, even when your dad is a neurosurgeon. He was adamant that Aaron and I learn to manage money, so that meant roughing it.

  I set the half-full popcorn bucket on the floor, just as the credits began to roll.

  Julia looked at me. “That was so sad!”

  The corner of my mouth twitched. I’d have to take her word for it since I stopped paying attention after the chick cracked her head on the floor. You never knew in these movies. People were always coming back from the dead. Hell, movies were made and remade with different shit all the time. “Maybe she isn’t really dead,” I said as I stood up and helped her with her coat.

  She shot me a wry glance and began to walk down the aisle in front of me and I followed her out and down the stairs, and out of the theater auditorium.

  She looked up at me and gave those big green eyes a roll. “Ryan, he went to the funeral. She’s dead.”

  I shrugged. “Okay.”

  “Didn’t you like the movie? You picked it!” We filed out of the main doors, just part of the crowd. It was smaller than usual, probably due to the holiday.

  “It was okay.”

  It was cold and the car was parked a few blocks down the street. The theater was an old time style, on a regular street without the huge parking lot and patrons had to find parking on the streets around it. It was dark, and starting to flurry, so the light from the streetlamps reflected off the flakes.

  I watched Julia’s breath come out in a frosty huff. Soon she would be shivering. “Come on! You’ll freeze your little ass off.” I grabbed her hand and pulled her along toward the car.

  “Quit it, Matthews! You’re my friend, so stop looking at my ass. It’s weird.” She said the words but she was laughing, as was I.

  “Shut up, Abbott! I’ve been staring at
your ass for months now.”

  She didn’t say anything about my comment or about where we were. I’d taken her back to my apartment because, even though we’d spent practically the entire day together, I wasn’t ready for the evening to end. Aaron had some beer in the refrigerator and it felt like we hadn’t even eaten dinner.

  I opened the door for her and waited for her to breeze past me into the living room. When we were peeling off our coats and kicking off our shoes, my stomach growled loudly. My eyes shot sheepishly to Julia’s.

  “Oh, God. Okay!” she lamented then went into the kitchen and started opening cupboards. “Whatcha got?” She opened the refrigerator that was conspicuously bare except for some milk and beer. Maybe there was some yogurt that Jen stashed inside, but other than that nothing but some moldy cheese and a few potatoes. Julia’s nose crinkled in disgust as she pulled out the smelly cheddar that was beginning to turn all green and fuzzy. “Ugh! Ryan!”

  I moved into the living room and flopped down on the couch, leaning forward to grab the remote off the table. The furnishings were eclectic: a mixture of stuff my mom was willing to part with and other shit we’d gotten at garage sales and through newspaper ads in the month before classes began two years earlier. The only thing we had that was worth anything was the flat screen. It looked obnoxiously out of place, but we had an Xbox 360 and cable TV. Those were our splurges. Aaron spent all his money on sports and war games before he met Jen.

  Julia came in holding two potatoes. “Do you like potato soup? It won’t be up to my usual standards because the cheese is moldy so I can’t use it, and there isn’t any bacon, but I’ll try.”

  “Sure. Anything. I’m starving.” The truth was, I wasn’t a huge soup guy. Soup was for pussies, but it was too late to order pizza and if Julia made it, I’d eat it.

  “I have no clue what you guys eat,” she mumbled and left the room.

  I stretched out and settled on old reruns of SNL. It was a mash-up of Jimmy Fallon and Will Ferrell skits Soon, I was laughing my ass off.

  “Ryan, what are you watching?” Julia called from the kitchen.

  “Old episodes of SNL on Comedy Central! The older casts were freaking hilarious.”