Before Ryan Was Mine (The Remembrance Trilogy - Prequel) Read online

  ~4~

  Valentine’s Between Friends

  Fucking Valentine’s Day! I hated everything about it and always had. Ever since I’d hit puberty, there was always at least one girl expecting something I wasn’t willing to give; batting their doe eyes in expectation then angry or crying when I didn’t fulfill their sugarplum visions. It was uncomfortable as hell and I really didn’t get it. I rolled my eyes in disgust. I had a feeling this year would be worse than ever.

  Aaron wasn’t the romantic type at all! In fact, I’d call him the actions-speak-louder-than-words sort of guy; as long as the actions included the humpty dance, that is. His words, not mine.

  Me? I had more finesse. Women wanted me and I knew it, but my delivery was much more refined. Admittedly, most of the time I was more interested in physical release than making a mental connection, but I tried not to abuse it and seriously, it was because I hadn’t found anyone I wanted to talk to more than have sex with. Other than Julia and I couldn’t even think about taking my relationship with her to that level, so I had to make do with the options I had. I balked a little at the thought. Was it my fault if they threw themselves at me? I’m only human. I huffed then smirked because I seriously found it amusing.

  The only thing that redeemed me was that Aaron was worse. However, this year, he was stumbling all over himself to show his new girlfriend, Jenna, he was a one-woman man. I couldn’t tell if he wanted more than sex with her, since he went on and on about how mind-blowing it was, but his actions gave me hope. I had to stop and make sure I wasn’t imagining it, but my brother was pacing back and forth, going over what to write on the card. You’d think he was going to his execution instead of a dinner date. He was so stressed out it was ridiculous!

  What the hell, I may not have anyone I wanted to fawn over, but the least I could do was help him out. “Aaron. Chill, dude. Stop fidgeting, for Christ’s sake! You’ll scare the shit out of her.”

  “Shut up! It’s only because you’re never invested in your relationships that you can be so cool about women. I actually care about this girl.”

  “You’re right. I’m not the fawning type.” He looked at me in confusion. “I don’t fawn. I bask in the fawning.” I explained simply, grinning.

  Aaron frowned and stared at me blankly. “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “You! You’re a mess. Get your balls back, man!”

  “Well, some of us have to work at it, pretty boy.”

  “Yeah, Ryan, you have it easy! I mean, look at that mug!” Julia huffed at me. “It’s not as if you’ve ever had to work for it, so cut Aaron a break!”

  My eyes darted to my best friend, sitting on the chair at the other end of the sofa in the small apartment I shared with my brother. She was concentrating on her calculus assignment, and wasn’t looking at me, so I let my eyes roam over her.

  Her fine brows were knitted together as she worked out a problem, glancing between her notes and textbook, once in a while grimacing and taking her eraser to the page. The long, flowing dark brunette hair falling almost to her waist in waves, draped over her face at one point and she impatiently shoved it behind her ear. Her small, rose-colored bow of a mouth looked so soft. Not to mention her firm little body, with the lush curves I’d imagined naked a hundred times, just lying in wait to be discovered. I inhaled, filling my chest to capacity before blowing it out and running my hand through my hair. Once again, I had to remind myself who she was, and what we were.

  She was so beautiful, but off limits. Off. Fucking. Limits. I tried to convince myself she wasn’t a woman and treat her only as my best friend. It shouldn’t have been that difficult because she was unlike most of the women I knew. The few months since we’d met, felt like a lifetime. I liked her mind, she was funny and she didn’t take my shit… I had serious respect for her. She was the best of both worlds; I could be myself around her, goof around or tell her absolutely anything. She was the first person I wanted to talk to in the morning, and the last person I wanted to see at night. She got me. And I got her. Now, if only I could convince my dick, but it was a constant struggle. My lips thinned in determination.

  “Shut up, Abbott. You’ve probably got gaggles of poor assholes just waiting in line with hearts and flowers today. What happened to that sap making googly eyes at you in the library, yesterday? Poor bastard!” I scoffed.

  Her eyes lifted from her assignment, and she scowled at me. “Martin Frank? You’ve got to be kidding me!”

  One side of my mouth lifted in a lopsided smirk. The dude had it bad for her, but he was a first class nerd. No way in hell she’d ever be interested in a worm like him. “Yeah, you guys could probably use the grease in his hair for lube.” I continued to goad, fighting hard not to laugh out loud, but couldn’t stop myself.

  She smiled and bit her lip, trying not to join my laughter but when her eyes locked with mine she grinned wide, and one eyebrow shot up. She was so beautiful. If only I could forget how beautiful she was.

  “Um, not all women need lube you know, Matthews. Maybe you aren’t motivating enough.” Amusement danced over her face and her large green orbs, sparkled. “Just sayin’.”

  “Humph!” I snorted in disgust and dared her with my eyes. “That’s not why they need it,” I suggested wryly. I loved teasing her, and more than that, I loved how this particular subject made her squirm.

  “Ugh,” she moaned, blushing slightly. I loved it when she blushed. It was ninety percent of the reason I teased her so mercilessly, the other ten percent was to keep myself from touching her. “Whatever. Your ego knows no bounds.”

  “It’s part of my charm.”

  “I’d love to stay and bask in your greatness, but as it happens, I do have a date. Not with Martin Frank, however.” She shoved her books into her backpack and rose from the chair. “It is Valentine’s Day, and he’s no worm.”

  I sat up, my interest more than piqued as my mind sorted through the possibilities. The tightening in my gut almost hurt. “Really,” I mocked. “If he’s so wonderful, why is this the first I’ve heard of him?”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I registered that Aaron picked up the bouquet of roses and the card he’d just finished signing. He took it with him toward the hall to get his jacket. He shrugged into it, awkwardly juggling the flowers from one hand to the other in the process.

  Nonplussed, Julia continued her task of closing her backpack. “Good luck, Aaron. Have fun.”

  “We will. We’ll be at The Mill later. You going there with your date?” He smiled at Julia and I sat back, annoyed. What the fuck? They were making plans that didn’t include me. I wasn’t so selfish that I always had to be included, but I was bothered.

  “Maybe.” She half-shrugged. “He’s making the plans.”

  “And, who is he?” I interrupted.

  To my chagrin, Aaron shook his head knowingly and chuckled. “Later, bro. You should meet us, too.”

  I followed Julia into the small kitchen after she picked up the plates from the cheese quesadillas Aaron and I had wolfed down an hour earlier. Aaron hovered by the door waiting for my reply.

  Julia eyed me warily, and I frowned.

  “Do I know him?”

  “Jesus, Ryan!” She rinsed the plates and stacked them by the sink. “It’s not a big deal! He’s a guy from my econ class. He’s nice. It’s a flipping date.”

  My interest in Julia’s date was more than I wanted it to be, but I told myself she was my friend, and I wanted to make sure she was okay. “Okay, then tell me who it is, Jules.”

  “Bryan Kelly.”

  My eyes widened slightly before I could stop them, but I quickly masked my expression to one of mild interest. Bryan Kelly was an upperclassman and one of the big wigs in the Phi Psi fraternity; they kept the university’s focus away from their womanizing ways with their high GPAs. They were slick, good looking, and smart as hell. They’d recruited me hard first semester, but I decided not to rush. If Harvard was even going to be a possibility, I h
ad to focus on academics as much as possible. Didn’t mean I didn’t have fun, but my inner circle was small and close-knit.

  My skin prickled with agitation and an unfamiliar emotion I couldn’t label. I tried not to let it show, casually leaning against the counter with my hip; I crossed my arms nonchalantly, watching her. The scent that was Julia, a subtle mixture of her perfume and something else uniquely her, wafted up to my nostrils. I recognized the perfume. I’d given it to her for her birthday. She pushed the sleeves of her dark blue sweater halfway up her arms and started running water in the sink to wash the dishes.

  “Yeah, I heard of him,” I said as blandly as I could manage, my eyes darted between her hands in the soapy water to the curve of her face. Suddenly, I wasn’t sure I wanted her to meet my eyes. “He’s not as nice as you think.”

  “Relax, Ryan” Aaron said. “Let her have some fun without you hovering.”

  My cool control broke. “Don’t you have somewhere to be? I’m not hovering, but I don’t trust the guy! You know what I’m talking about, Aaron!”

  Julia rolled her eyes again and walked to get the dirty sheet pan that was resting on top of the stove. Before she reached it, she patted Aaron on the stomach. “It’s okay. I can handle Ryan and his moody ass. Go have fun with Jenna. Text later and I’ll see where we are.”

  Julia knew Jenna because they were in the same dorm, and she was a good friend of Ellie’s. It was sort of fate it worked out that way, and our little group was a lock-in.

  I shifted until my back was to the counter and folded my arms. Aaron’s gaze met mine, and mine narrowed in silent communication. I knew he’d let me know where Julia and her date landed once she’d texted him. Aaron knew why I was worried. We’d both heard the dude bragging about his latest conquests on more than one occasion. Normally, I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass if the girls were too silly to realize what the asshole was about, but this was Julia. Aaron left without another word, and Julia brought the pan to the sink to wash it. Our apartment was too old and run down to have a dishwasher, but before I met Julia, we lived on take-out food and frozen pizza, so we never missed one. Now, Aaron and I begged her to cook whenever she came over.

  My eyes bored into her. She had to feel it. “I’m not being moody. The guy only wants to get in your pants.”

  She stopped and looked up at me then burst out laughing. “Wow. Really? Amazing deduction, Sherlock. Doesn’t mean I’m stupid enough to fall for it. But, you know what? Maybe I want in his. Ever think of that?”

  I sat back and looked hard at her. I’d never considered that she’d just want to get laid, just for the sake of it. I shook my head in astonishment. “No. You’re not like that.”

  “Like what? The kind of girls you date? Like them? Like you? You have no problem hitting it when you need it. So how is Bryan worse than you? And why shouldn’t I? It might be fun.”

  She was right. Why shouldn’t she? She was gorgeous, and a lot of dudes wanted her. I’d seen it over and over. But I didn’t want it to be that asshole. I struggled with how to answer, because really, could I stomach Julia being with anyone? I wasn’t sure.

  “I actually like the girls I date. I don’t prey on women for sex.”

  She shook her head and looked hurt. “I like Bryan. He’s been sweet. And, you don’t have to prey, Ryan! Girls will drop their panties if you snap your fingers!”

  “I’m not like him. He targets women.”

  “Yeah, he couldn’t possibly like me, right? That is what you’re saying, isn’t it?”

  I had the grace to flush. “No! That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”

  She glared at me. “You think a guy can’t want to get to know me and be more than my friend? That he can’t want my brain and not just my body? Just because you feel that way about me, doesn’t mean Bryan does. One doesn’t have to be mutually exclusive of the other!”

  I’d just royally fucked myself. Obviously, I couldn’t tell her I also wanted her in my bed, but I didn’t want her to feel I didn’t see her as a beautiful and desirable woman.

  “Julia—” I began.

  She turned and angrily wiped her hand on a dishtowel before throwing it down. “Thanks for trying to ruin my night, dickhead!”

  I stepped forward and grabbed her arm, feeling duly subjugated. I was acting like a jealous prick and I had no right. If I didn’t want to take a risk at a romantic relationship with her, then she deserved to have one with someone else. I knew it, but it killed me.

  “Julia, I’m not trying to ruin anything. I’m worried about you. I don’t want you getting hurt. And I especially don’t want you getting used.” I felt the words rising up and couldn’t stop them. “I care about you.”

  Her head cocked to one side, and the anger left her features. Julia sighed, her deep green eyes looking right through me, seeing everything I didn’t want to see myself. “Ryan, I’m a big girl.”

  My head moved in the negative, just one short movement, and I swear I could feel my face drop into a pout. I cared about her. “No, you’re not!” I protested a little too strongly, and she shot me a warning look. “You’re soft and fragile and too sweet for someone like him. He’s a snake. I’ve seen him in action. You need to trust me on this.”

  Her shoulder nudged my arm as Julia leaned against the counter next to me. “I appreciate your concern, but I’m going, Ryan. I’m not some bimbo with wide eyes and nothing between my ears, or some prudish, goody two-shoes. Besides, won’t you be too busy tonight to care?”

  I couldn’t stand the hurt look on her face. Halfway through another sigh, I realized and stopped myself. The skin on my face started to get hot when I didn’t like her answer, so I took on some bravado, hoping I could distract her from my discomfort. “No. I don’t give anyone delusions with stupid hearts and flowers. I was hoping we’d hang out.”

  She reached out, and slid her fingers down my arm. “You should have told me sooner. Sorry.”

  “Where are you going?”

  She shook her head, continuing to clean up the kitchen. “Uh uh. If you show up, Bryan will feel like a third wheel. Remember when we did that double date at the arcade with Kevin Armister and Maria… um…”

  I remembered. It was a night from hell, sitting across from Julia and watching some loser fall all over himself, trying to impress her. It was damn embarrassing to watch, and I was so preoccupied, I wasn’t able to focus on my date at all.

  Her face crinkled up, and she looked at the ceiling as she pretended not to remember my date’s last name, and my lips lifted in a small smile. She was so sweet. I had to fight the urge to crush her to me and kiss her silly. “What was her last name again?” She smiled wide, and my heart flip-flopped inside my chest.

  By the end of the night, we were side-by-side with both our dates completely pissed off. “Williams,” I said and leaned in enough so our shoulders were touching. “They were both boring as hell anyway.”

  “Yeah. Did you know they’re dating now?”

  “No shit? Match made in heaven.” I smiled, but my face sobered soon after. “So where did you say you were going?”

  Julia launched away from the counter and turned to face me. “Ugh! Ryan! I can’t have a date with you lurking in the background.”

  “Okay, I concede. But, you can tell me where that dickhead is taking you. Or… you can call and cancel, and then we can go to a movie or maybe that arcade again. We had a great time last time, didn’t we?”

  She bit her lip and looked at me, her eyes locking with mine. I could see my struggle mirrored in her eyes. I was going to win this one.

  “Come on, Abbott. You know you’d rather hang with me.”

  “That doesn’t mean it’s what I should do.”

  Again, she was right. It was unfair that I tried to keep her from dating, from possibly finding a boyfriend, but it just didn’t sit right. “I know.” I shrugged. “So?”

  “So…” Julia’s face mirrored her inner struggle. “Hand me my phone.”

 
; I couldn’t believe I was actually cancelling a date with a hot guy who fifty other girls would kill to have a date with. On Valentine’s Day, no less! The thing was, I was cancelling to spend time with one whom ten times that many women would kill to be with. I sighed. I couldn’t decide if Ryan was just being over-protective or if Bryan really was the huge predator as he claimed. It was hard to tell with Ryan sometimes.

  All the time we spent together made us close. He was my best friend, the best friend I’d ever had; but I knew I loved him. If I didn’t, it wouldn’t kill me so much when he dated. I tried to act nonchalantly, as if it didn’t matter. But it mattered more than anything; especially, since Christmas.

  By now, my portfolio had two dozen portraits of Ryan in it, and Ellie was getting suspicious whenever I chose to stay in instead of going out with the group on nights Ryan wasn’t with us. I couldn’t help it. My face was expressive, and I had to work so hard to hide how I really felt. It was exhausting, and on those nights, when I was so miserable, it was impossible. Plus, it helped my misery to play music and recreate his face by candlelight. It was like he was with me. I was still hurting, but it got me through it.

  “I’m just going to go in the other room to make the call.” I began to walk down the hall to his room.

  Ryan nodded and flopped down on the couch, grabbing the remote from the floor in front of it. “Sure. Should we just leave from here, then?”

  I turned, looking down at my jeans and sweater. My clothes were perfectly fine for a friend night out, but it was Valentine’s Day, and everywhere we went, people might be more dressed up for their dates. “Um, I would like to freshen up a little, if that’s okay?”

  “Sure,” he threw over his shoulder, now fully ensconced in whatever was on the screen. It sounded like some sporting event from where I stood. I hovered in the hall, rethinking my decision. I wanted to be with Ryan, no question, but I would bleed eventually. It wasn’t a gradual realization. It hit me hard and fast about ten minutes after I’d met him, and I couldn’t stop it… I couldn’t stay away.